One day, when I am king...

The Chief Information Officer in my department has recently resigned, and it’s got me thinking that that’s one job I reckon I’d really dig (bah! who needs qualifications anyway??).

And one of the first things I’d implement is an intercom system from my desk, and would make it my number one duty to provide random announcements to all the staff in the building pertaining to observations that, as Head Information Honcho, I think they’d all need to know.

The kind of announcements I’d make would include things like:

“OK, listen up people. It’s come to my attention that Cheryl from Accounts is having liposuction this weekend. I really don’t know why she’d bother. I mean, she’s as ugly as a hat full of arseholes anyway - as if anyone is ever going to sleep with her. Maybe if she got those ghastly teeth fixed....”

“Pineapple doughnuts dunked in raspberry fanta is just plain wrong”

“Holy hell. Who was that nasty critter who just took a dump in the level 3 toilets? Dude, you need to get yourself seen to.”

“Hey, everyone! Word on the street is John from Finance is secretly gay, and has a strange fetish for fondling goldfish nuts”.

“I like scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly”

“OK, who took my lunch from the tea room??? God damn you all to hell”

“Oh my god. We’ve just received a bomb threat. Quick, everyone. Run for your lives! Don’t bother with them pesky evacuation procedures. Get out while there’s still time.” (and then about a minute later) “Ah, just kidding. Ha ha ha”